Welcome one and all to the Last Door on the Left – a travel agency for the adventurous soul. Have you always wanted to see the world beyond the wardrobe? Longed to wait for the train at 9 ¾? Pined for tickets to hear Plava Laguna sing at Phloston Paradise? Look no further.
Well hello, all you Hemery High Hoggs fans! We here at the Last Door on the Left are happy to treat you to a guided tour down memory lane as we dust off the year books and pull out those pep squad uniforms! We’re here to ask you those burning questions: How funky is your chicken? And how loose is your goose?
Savvy Traveller Side Note #1: Our goose is TOTALLY loose.
The advantage to an interdimensional travel agency – beyond the obvious spectacular cool factor – is the time travel component: when we say, “Well, this takes me back!”, we mean it literally. We may not have a TARDIS – and isn’t that a trip (or 3???) for another day? – but we have our little ways.
Because even though they say you can never go back (and really, who would want to BE a teenager again??), sometimes you just long to find yourself in that high school gym, watching cheerleaders in 90s hair, as a new age life coach tries to actualize the boys basketball team into a win.
Welcome to Southern California – The Lite Ages.
“I have no sense of history?? YOU wear a BROWN TIE!”
As even the adults sometimes display the height of vacuous, vapid, self-centred ignorance, this might not be the ideal vacation location for picking up parenting tips. But handling outbreaks of the bloodsucking undead? Here’s your perfect study guide! And it’s not everyone was *completely* lacking in social awareness. The environment was on the docket as the theme for THE senior dance. And, really. Sting was into it.
Savvy Traveller Side Note #2: Stranger Danger: When to be Wary. As an adventuring gadabout, you must be comfortable enough in the company of strangers to know that not everyone you encounter is trying to do you harm. That being said, critical thinking and risk assessment are essential tools in the tool kit of any traveller! If you find yourself alone and a strange man approaches you, offering you a birthright if only you’ll follow him to the graveyard, a healthy dose of skepticism is the appropriate response.
Packing Pro-Tip #1: Wooden stake. It’s really the key accessory to any 90s outfit. Maybe throw a cross and vial or two of holy water in your duffel bag and/or letterman jacket pocket, just to be on the safe side.
Packing Pro-Tip #2: Workout clothes. Nothing says “training montage” like a couple of great workout outfits. And really, they’re so comfortable! Whether you’re training to take on a mob of teenaged vampires, or fitting in that midday pilates class, you’ll be sure to look the part if you’ve packed appropriately.
Back at school, never underestimate the importance of an understanding faculty administrator. Even if that understanding is entirely unrelated to the current context and limited to a solitary acid trip at a Doobie Brothers concert, consisting of bright red, electric music and an existential moment as a toaster, it’s still better than apathy! Education matters, kids. Stay in school. (Unless you’re a vampire, and then it’s detention for you, bub!)
Savvy Traveller Side Note #3: Daylight travel. I, myself, often prefer nighttime travel, so I can understand the allure. That being said, when travelling during the rainy season, bring rain gear. Travelling to the beach? Bring sunscreen. Travelling to vampire-infested Hemery High School in 1994? Stick to daytime travel. Who needs the headache of explaining to the car rental service why there’s a hole in the roof of the car and a severed arm in the passenger seat? Plus, certain vampires have been known to get rather testy about how losing an arm like that ruins the line of their jacket.
Between the bloodletting and the vacuous inanity, though, runs this beautiful thread of self discovery that makes all the 90s era midriff shirts, high waisted jeans, and floofy hair worthwhile. Learning how doing everything wrong can be exactly the right thing, when it’s true to who you are is a pretty important lesson. You do you, Los Angeles!
Packing Pro-Tip #3: Party dress. Plumbing your inner depths and discovering your destiny doesn’t mean you can’t be the best dressed person in the room as you rise to the challenge.
Remember, you have something those other girls never had: your keen fashion sense.