Welcome one and all to the Last Door on the Left – a travel agency for the adventurous soul. Have you always wanted to see the world beyond the wardrobe? Longed to wait for the train at 9 ¾? Pined for tickets to hear Plava Laguna sing at Phloston Paradise? Look no further.
Hello, my fellow excursionists! Welcome back to the Last Door on the Left, where we cater to your wanderlust. And this week – with Valentine’s Day lurking just around the corner – how better to cater to said lust than by heading to Florin to follow in the footsteps of my favourite pair of lovers: Westley and Buttercup.
Florin is a very rural, pastoral setting; full of rolling hills, and fields lined with trees and low, stone fences. There are thatch-roofed houses and stables with animals in pens, and forests abut on all sides. They may not think much of their neighbouring country, Guilder, but generally Florin is a safe place to fall in love.
Savvy Traveler Side-Note: When traveling to Florin, avoid traveling by sea. Pirates *are* a problem in the area.
Florin’s coastal location DOES have several upsides, though. Whether you’re looking for a pleasure cruise through eel-infested waters or just a quick escape route for a get-away with a kidnapped princess, Florin’s varied ports offer you plenty of options!
Florin also boasts some of the most interesting landscape features around. The Cliffs of Insanity are stunning at sunrise, bathed in pinks and reds and glittering with impending doom! Once you make it to the top (good luck!!) the views are worth the price of admission.
Packing Pro-Tip #1: Rope is a helpful implement for ascending the Cliffs of Insanity. You’ll also need to train to keep up your upper body strength (or bring a giant, it’s up to you).
Packing Pro-Tip #2: An epee – a fencing foil, if you will – may be difficult to get through customs, but it will be worth all the red tape in the world if you find yourself facing a six fingered man in Florin. A drunk Spaniard can also be an issue, but they’re usually much easier to get along with.
Groups of glacial erratics dot the countryside, occasionally hiding boulder-wielding giants, but don’t let that ruin the romance of the journey so far. Honestly, they mostly hang around, working for local charities. If you do come across one, wait him out (or give him a ‘hug’!). Once he’s napping, i guarantee, he’s dreaming of large women (or men! :D).
Packing Pro-Tip #3: A mask. Apparently they’re terribly comfortable. Everyone will be wearing them in the future.
Occasionally, even in this starkly picturesque panorama, you will encounter a fiendish type. The best way out of the confrontation is a battle of wits, as long as you can remember the cardinal rules:
- Never get involved in a land war in Asia
- Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line
Packing Pro-Tip #4: Iocaine powder (or equivalent): On the off chance you need to match wills with someone in a duel to the death, it’s always a good idea to have a poison to which you’ve been developing an immunity.
Of all of the many wonders across Florin, the most unusual and the most outstanding is definitely the Fire Swamp. A very challenging place to honeymoon, I’ll grant you, but if you’re up for it, how exciting! Between the spurting flames, the lightning sand, and the R.O.U.S.s, never would there be a more adventurous holiday!
If you decide that the Fire Swamp is a little much, and are looking for something more along the lines of exploring the castle and the small village outside (the closest thing to town life in Florin), I’m sure the royal family will oblige. I must warn you, however, that the treachery in the castle may make you think fondly of the Rodents of Unusual Size!
When in town, be sure to visit Miracle Max. The miracles are hit and miss (and definitely don’t go swimming for at least an hour) but the chocolate coating makes for a delightful snack. I would, however, avoid the forest grove just outside the village. There’s a particular tree, with a particular knot, that doesn’t belong on the honeymoon tour.
And since this is our most romantic of getaways, no visit to Florin – especially to Florin Castle – is complete without seeing the wedding chapel! Because wuv, twoo wuv wiwl fowwow you fowevva.
