Don Corneo’s Dungeon of Love
By Karen Shortle
If you live on Earth and enjoy even the most casual of video gaming activity, then you have already heard the core-shattering 2015 E3 news about the Final Fantasy VII (FVII) remake. Around the world, gamers stopped breathing, wailed, and froze in place as Square Enix casually dropped this information at the convention after showing a trailer for the less-anticipated World of Final Fantasy. Even better, at the PSX convention this past month, viewers were treated to a snippet of gameplay from the FFVII remake that only fueled their desire for this game’s release date to be sooner rather than later.
I have recently downloaded the FFVII HD remaster for the PS4 to reacquaint myself with the beautiful backdrop (back in 1997, it was OUTSTANDING) and compelling story. Several hours in, during my reminiscent jaunt down Wall Market and what I like to call the “Cloud Cross-Dresses Side Quest”, I began to wonder how the following will translate in the remake. My hope is: ridiculously. What started as silly, should remain as silly, or sillier, taking into consideration how gaming has evolved since 1997.
This one goes out to Don Corneo, the gigolo of Wall Market in Midgar. Where would Wall Market be without his pixelated, gyrating, “give it to me” dance moves, and smarmy personality?
In a quest to rescue Tifa, Cloud learns she has been whisked away to a serious (rhymes with “door”)-house within this little market, which is run by Don Corneo. Along with his gal Friday Aeris (or “Aerith”, if you’re into lisps), Cloud attempts entry into the Don’s den of iniquity with no luck, due to lack of a vagina.
In order for Cloud to infiltrate said “door”house and save Tifa from Corneo’s clutches, Cloud agrees (with some gentle coaxing from Aeris) to dress up as a hot woman. How Cloud goes about doing this is interesting indeed.
Since this is only a mere musing and not a walkthrough for FFVII, I’m simply going to explain the basics of Midgar cross-dressing and how awesomely this can be portrayed in the remake.
So how does one become a coveted woman in Wall Market, one that the Don will instantly want to bang? One gets to know the locals, that’s how. Each business in Wall Market has folks in it that hold key items to help Cloud in his “feminavigation” back to the Don’s mansion.
The Dress
First Cloud will need a dress, but he must convince the drunken seamstress (seamster?) at the bar to start a new line of dresses for men.
What I hope to see in the remake:
First, I would love to see Cloud more self-aware during this whole crusade. The original was hilarious enough, but Cloud kind of silently and willingly went along on this mission with little commentary. Maybe while talking to the drunken seamstress, Cloud can ask Aeris what she thinks his most flattering color is. Have Cloud’s first view of his gown be a slow-motion video panning him heels to tiara, with him proclaiming “I think this one makes my ass look fat!” as the view reaches his face. Or even just have a classic Cloud “serious face”. That would add a little more realization to the insanity stew, don’t you think?
The Wig
Once Cloud has obtained the silky dress of his fantasies (heh, get it, “fantasy”?) he’ll need to cover up that spiky late-90’s hairdo with a nice wig. No, there isn’t a wig shop in Wall Market. There is a gym though, and as art often imitates life, Cloud must beat the aptly-named “Big Bro” of the gym in a squatting contest to obtain the most luxurious of false tresses.
What I hope to see in the remake:
Oh boy, there’s so much to do with this one. It would be a nice bonus if this gym had a weight mini-game, where if Cloud lifted a certain pound value in a certain amount of time, he could level up his strength. During your Big Bro squat contest, instead of the overhead view have Cloud and Big Bro face-to-face “gym grunting”, sweat dripping down their faces, with One Winged Angel playing in the background MUZAK style. Just don’t make Cloud have to pay for a two-year gym membership.
The Cologne
Once Cloud obtains the beauty pageant look he’s always dreamed of, it’s time for him to top that off with some sweet sexy cologne (yes, cologne, not perfume). Like the wig, there is no shop for cologne (or even any “Designer Imposters” at the local pharmacy) in Wall Market, but after talking to a constipated woman in the Wall Market bar’s bathroom Cloud will be able to smell like fresh Mako roses.
The “cologne” mini-quest is so ridiculous; it just deserves all of the details written out. Hearing of constipation makes Cloud hungry, and after eating at the Wall Market restaurant he receives a Pharmacy Coupon to exchange for some digestive medicine. Once Cloud gives the colon clogged bar lady the medicine, she thanks him by giving him her half-full bottle of cologne that she’s been reading the back of while waiting on the john. (Note: the last sentence is not actually the way the bathroom woman gives you the cologne, but I like to imagine that is what transpired).
What I hope to see in the remake:
As absurd as it is, I hope Cloud still has to follow the “bar bathroom-diner-pharmacy-bathroom” path. I would also like to see some comedic guidance for gamers new to this title. In the original game, without a strategy guide in front of you, there is no way for Cloud to know what to do next. What can be done? When Cloud knocks on the bathroom door, have the woman explain how she can’t currently poop, and how she keeps cologne handy for when the bombs actually drop. At least then, Cloud will have a vague idea of what she’s looking for (and it’s not toilet paper) and what his goal is. Have the cook at the restaurant explain they also work part-time at the pharmacy and he’s ticked off because he has to help unload a new shipment of Digestive medicine. That way, when Cloud compliments the chef, receiving a Pharmacy Coupon will make sense. When exchanging the medicine for the cologne, having the bathroom woman actually dig into her bag for it would add to not only the comedy, but also to the reality of a situation like this.
The Tiara
Now Cloud’s ready for his Tiara! Oh yes, if you really and truly want the Don’s approval, you’ll need a fine lookin’ tiara that any SOLDIER member would envy. The tiaras, naturally, are found at the Wall Market’s Inn vending machine.
Optional Bonus: Underwear and Makeup
As I just recently learned in my latest play through, Cloud can also get some spicy lingerie and a make-up job at the Honey Bee Inn of Wall Market. As if a dress, wig, cologne and tiara weren’t enough for the Don. I suppose if Cloud makes it past second base with the Don, he’d have to start worrying about his chocobo boxers. Better to be safe than sorry, but these items are not required to gain access to the Don’s hut of love.
You may proceed at your own risk at the Honey Bee Inn, peeping through keyholes and obtaining lingerie or bikini briefs (yes, you have an option) as you go. The Honey Bee Inn is just like your local motel (the ones with mirrors on the ceiling). I won’t go into details, but to give you a taste, in order obtain bikini briefs you must request the “Group Room” which is exactly what it sounds like. Seconds after entering your room, you are joined by this group in the room’s hot tub:
What I hope to see in the remake:
Please, please, please just keep everything as tawdry as ever at the Honey Bee Inn. I can’t even fathom how this would translate to the remake, which makes me want this scene even more.
What I hope to see in the remake:
Please, please, please just keep everything as tawdry as ever at the Honey Bee Inn. I can’t even fathom how this would translate to the remake, which makes me want this scene even more.
What I hope to see in the remake – A summary:
First, I would love to see Cloud more self-aware during this whole crusade. The original was hilarious enough, but Cloud kind of silently went along and you as the player pieced together what to do next. He didn’t comment on the strange trade of Wall Market or go to a sex addicts meeting, which I’m sure based off of Cloud’s visit is frequented by Midgar Sector 6 citizens.
I hope to see this side-quest in its full glory. Perhaps a little dialogue change is necessary to keep up with the times, but I want to see a nicely rendered Cloud run around Wall Market, harassing the locals to aid in his ruse against the Don. Imagine how the gown will hug Cloud’s curves with today’s graphics?
If you have never played FFVII, shame on you, but perhaps this side quest will entice you to play the remake in its’ full glory. There is no solid release date yet for the remake, albeit we know it will be awhile from now. In the meantime, if you’d like to brush up on your chocobo racing skills, you can purchase an online HD remaster of FFVII on the PS4 or Steam today.
