Welcome one and all to the Last Door on the Left – a travel agency for the adventurous soul. Have you always wanted to see the world beyond the wardrobe? Longed to wait for the train at 9 ¾? Pined for tickets to hear Plavalaguna sing at Fhloston Paradise? Look no further.
Welcome back through the Last Door on the Left, my globetrotting gadabouts and wayfaring wanderers! We hope your holiday season found you hale and hardy, and eager for celebration! And we are just as hopeful that it left you resolute and absolutely *itching* to get back out into the great unknown. Wanderlust intact, therefore, it is with great pleasure that we let you in on a little secret from within the walls of our little travel agency: yours truly took the holiday season one step beyond traditional merriment and eloped! And now you, our most special and esteemed patrons, are invited to join me in vetting an ultimately illustrious honeymoon location: 23rd century Fhloston Paradise.
A luxury intergalactic cruise liner, Fhloston Paradise is a much-coveted vacation destination in the future. With its day-time beach access and night-time entertainment schedule, Fhloston appeals to a very diverse crowd of jet-setters. From the mighty, menacing Mangalores to the more moderate, mindful Mondoshawans, everyone who’s ANYONE wants to be there.
Savvy Traveller Side Note #1: Be sure to tune in for a live recording of Ruby Rhod’s radio program. Love him or hate him, the man is SUPER green! And things have a way of happening around him, so you just know sparks are going to fly in his vicinity. He does so love the hotel of one thousand and one follies, lollies, and lick’em lollies, so who better to ease you through your dinner hours – five to seven – with verve, panache, and maybe a hostage situation. You never know.
The utopian ambiance of Fhloston is designed to permeate every aspect of your experience, from your welcome reception as you deplane to the exquisitely appointed suite into which you are eventually shown. Surrounded by the soothing sights, sounds, and smells of the islands by way of singing, dancing, grass-skirted ladies and gentlemen wielding orchid leis like crowd control, your first glimpse of the arcadian accommodations are one of friendly, chaotic colour, bright sunlight, and grandeur.
Savvy Traveller Side Note #2: Comfy Chic is the ideal travel look. In order to make even your travel TO Fhloston Paradise as calm and easy as possible, sleep regulators are all the rage. Gone are the days of sitting for the duration of your flight. The 23rd century finds you maneuvering yourself into a – hopefully not too narrow (shhh! It’s January. I’m back at the gym!) – horizontal sleep pod so that you may comfortably be rendered unconscious for the duration of your trip. It’s important to dress accordingly. Tunics and leggings are a great, stylish option that optimize freedom of movement whilst minimizing the flashing of flight attendants.
The four hundred beaches on planet Fhloston may only accessible until five pm, but since there are twelve swimming pools on the ship that are available twenty four hours a day (never mind the two on the roof!), any water and beach related activities are easily planned. Dining is another simple task, as levels two through ten hold all manner of restaurant to cater to your every whim. The piece de resistance of the entire cruiser is most definitely the concert hall, though; a perfect excuse for a date night out on the ship! And while dress aboard the vessel tends toward resort casual during the day, attire amps up to avant garde in the evenings.
Packing Pro-Tip #1: Black tie accoutrements. At least ONE night on Fhloston Paradise should be spent, dressed to the nines, basking in the glory that is a performance by the Diva Plavalaguna. The Last Door on the Left, being a time-travel agency as much as anything, is uniquely qualified in the field to ensure you never miss out on those ‘once in a lifetime’ opportunities. Best to take advantage and pack with elegance in mind. You WILL see and be seen in Fhloston.
The sumptuousness of the setting aside, though, never think for a second that a honeymoon in Fhloston Paradise means leaving our adventurous spirit at home! Despite the courtly couture, things can get very real, very quickly, in the austere aisles of the opera house. The white-gloved waiters aren’t always as impeccable as they appear, and offending one can have consequences of epic proportions.
Modish mayhem may ensue, raining debris and debutantes over the Lido deck, but don’t worry. As long as the bar isn’t TOO shot up, they can still mix a mean martini. I’m not sure how well the games room will fare – billiards balls make odd alternative projectiles in a gunfight – but if you need a place to hide, a pool table might provide decent cover.
Savvy Traveller Side Note #3: Have an exit strategy… just in case. It’s always a good idea to have a Plan B for getting off world when things go sideways, as things are occasionally wont to do on treks through the Last Door on the Left. Perhaps the pyramids would make an interesting excursion?
…and never leave home without your Multipass!