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Welcome one and all to the Last Door on the Left – a travel agency for the adventurous soul. Have you always wanted to see the world beyond the wardrobe? Longed to wait for the train at 9 ¾? Pined for tickets to hear Plava Laguna sing at Phloston Paradise? Look no further.

Guide to the Universe

Welcome back, galactic gallivanters! Prep your cryo-pods and strap in for a for a long haul because this week, the Last Door on the Left is catering to the the truly intrepid and taking the road less travelled into the deep, dark silence of space. We’ve booked you passage on the Hunter-Gratzner with prospectors and pilgrims alike, as everyone finds something on the way to New Mecca.

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Savvy Traveller Side Note #1: Pick the cryostasis pod closest to the front of the ship. There’s a lot of room for error that far out in the black, and if something unforeseen should happen (rogue comets and meteorite storms are the WORST!) you wouldn’t want to be mistaken for dead weight and purged.

Packing Pro-Tip #1: Sunglasses. When crash-landing on a desert planet with not one, not two, but three suns, you’ll be wanting to protect those peepers from prolonged exposure. Who knows if this planet even HAS an ozone layer to filter out all that harmful UV?

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As loyal and long-standing patrons of the Last Door on the Left, we like to ensure that your excursions – while not without their… thrills – are at least as safe as we can make them. Which is why every trip comes standard with Interdimensional Travel Insurance – complete with a bonus to survival! That being said, do *try* to avoid antagonizing homicidal maniacs and/or the local wildlife.

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Finding water will also be a priority. Ideally, a foray into the ship’s wreckage for supplies that may have survived your unexpected tussle with gravity will prove fruitful, but in all likelihood you’ll have to scavenge outward to search for sustenance. Who knows what else you might stumble upon? Those majestic trees you marveled at from a distance look a little less tree-like and a lot more elephant graveyard when you get up close and personal.

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Savvy Traveller Side Note #2: Keep to the light. It might seem like the suns would be something you’d want to avoid on a scorching desert planet, but believe me when I tell you that heat exhaustion looks like fun compared to what lies lurking below the planet’s surface. The cool, black, shade offered by that hole in the ground is SO not worth the bloody mess that will become of whoever falls for it.

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Trying times can be a true test of a person’s mettle and often forge fast bonds between people who find themselves battling the odds and elements together. That being said, remember to apply your critical thinking and analysis skills to your fellow survivors as well as your situation. You can’t always judge a book by its cover, and a fancy uniform does not a trustworthy person always make. Choose your allies wisely, you’ll need them when the suns set.

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Packing Pro-Tip #2: Lightweight (non-solar) batteries. When the eclipse starts and you are stranded in the black, you’ll need all the help you can get keeping the lights on. High proof alcohol for torches is also a good backup, but batteries will last longer, be less of a safety hazard, and allow for the alcohol to be used for cocktail hour. Win win!

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Unlikely leaders are born in the heat of battle; when some men turn into savages, others – that once were monsters – can find their way back to being men. All it really takes is a point of connection. An opportunity for human contact and interaction to show that we are none of us purely good or purely evil, and it will always be our choices that define us. A good example of selflessness never hurt, either.

Savvy Traveller Side Note#3: Make a BIG exit. After all of that effort and sacrifice to find and enact an escape plan, best make it splashy. Take as many of the locals with you as you can! You know what “they” always say: Kill ‘em with FIRE.

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